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In the Spring of 2022, I had a mental breakdown. I broke down. It was a long time coming but it hit me and it hit hard. My body and mind couldn’t keep up. I couldn’t keep going. I had bitten off more than I could chew. I hated everything I was doing, everything was a grind. I hated family time, I hated work, I hated spending time with friends. I came to a point where I just didn’t want to exist anymore. I thought everyone around me would be better off if I wasn’t there. That was a dark time, but through the help of my wife and family, therapists, and, other professionals, I am moving forward.
That’s why I started Quiet Warriors. I want to create a space where when men feel the pain of the grind they can know they are not alone. I want them to know that they matter, and that grinding feeling they have comes because their burden is heavy, but they are strong enough to carry it. They may need help from time to time, but they can bear up under the load and even thrive under it.
Early in life, I joined the Army. My experiences were life-shaping, but they came with a cost. Just like many other vets, I experienced the thrills of service and the lows of loss. I developed deep friendships and created loathing enemies. I endured heartbreak and enjoyed accomplishment. Through it all, I both found and lost myself.
I left the Army in 2008. The transition was a mess. A few months after I separated from the Army I started doubting myself and my decision to leave. It got so bad that I left my wife for a while and moved back in with my parents. My dad finally got me to see a counselor from the local Vet Center, and my wife and I got back together. The counseling helped for the few months I participated in it.
Even though I had no plan when I left the Army, I had quite a bit of money saved up. I originally was going to go to business school at Idaho State University but had a bad experience with one of the professors who discriminated against veterans. For a year I tried to figure things out. I eventually enrolled in the Masters of Public Administration program at Brigham Young University. I did well in school and learned a lot but I never felt like I belonged there. I had imposter syndrome. This plagued me for years and I never quite felt like myself. After a stint back East working for a consulting firm, my family and I returned back to Idaho, and I started meeting with a counselor at the Vet Center weekly. It helped quite a bit. It was a time to just talk, and express myself and my frustrations. It was what I needed. It was a relationship where someone was trying to understand me.
As you can probably tell, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. My counselor and doctor recommended medication, but I was reluctant to take it. However, after some bad episodes and recognizing that I needed something to help me, I visited my doctor and got a prescription. It took a little while to find the right medication for me but I think I have it figured out.
However, even with medication, I still had bad episodes of anxiety, like really bad where I had trouble breathing. I also had this weird condition that when I really exerted myself in exercise or physical work I would get sick to my stomach. It really set me back in my physical fitness. Where I once really liked physical fitness and was in great shape, now I dreaded it and even avoided doing it.
So I set out on a years-long quest to figure out what my problem was. I met with a range of doctors from cardiologists to urologists. I asked physical fitness experts and even physical therapists to find answers. Few could give me any. I eventually met with a Nurse Practitioner that was an endobiogeny specialist. She ran an in-depth blood lab. It revealed some hormone challenges, especially insulin resistance. The way it was explained to me is that my cells weren’t absorbing the nutrients and minerals my body needs to be healthy. It was just flushing everything out. She gave me some supplements and a nasty tincture. While they didn’t cure the problem immediately, as supplements rarely do, they started to help my body heal.
Between my work, my family, and my mental health, I ran myself ragged and I broke down. I needed something-a community of other like-minded guys, which is why I started the Quiet Warrior as a place for men to find support, a place to learn and get better so we can bear up under our burdens and thrive. This isn’t an Arnold Schwarzenegger pump-you-up site or touchy-feely get in touch with your inner child place but rather a platform to develop who you are and become stronger and better. It's also a place where men can feel, express, and hone their native instincts to protect and provide for their families. My hope is that we can unlock the capabilities that are within all of us, have a community of men that understand each other, and support one another, and in turn, make the world a better place.
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